Video Sewer

Halloween Zombie Style

2010-04-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

In an effort to keep my readers up-to-date, I thought you all should now about Rob Zombie's remake of Carpenter's classic slasher flick, Halloween.

Apparently Zombie is a thrash musician in real life, and it shows in this callous update. Where Zombie's music pummels you with brute force, his Halloween takes the same route, losing all the subtlety of the original. Consider one of Michael Meyers' many maassacres; brutal, spastic, and shrill minus any subtext. A little like taking a real beating, but less fun.

Danny Trejo is a high point in his bit part in this otherwise joyless experience wherein director Zombie and his actress wife seem to be working out personal psychosexual issues onscreen.

It's the TV Dinner version of meat-and-potatoes horror.

Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen

2009-11-14T14:04:00.000-08:00

Being in fit of apathy more intractable than usual, I rented up Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen for me and the wife to veg out in front of. But, you know, sometimes those shut-off-your-mind pieces of eye-candy can be seriously harmful to your health.

We made it through 90 minutes when we discovered – Oh No! – that there was a full hour yet to go. It’s when I discovered a few pages of the original screenplay under the couch.

EXTERIOR:
Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf stand in the middle of the LA Freeway. The sweet light of sunset bathes them in its luscious glow. The camera furiously, endlessly circles the pair in medium close-up.

LaBEOUF: Why you gotta be dressin’ like such a ho, Megan?

FOX: I donno, idiot. Why you gotta be such a dweeb?

LaBEOUF: I almost love you!

FOX: Look out! That blender is about to turn into a 30-foot-tall robot!

Camera swirls around robot/blender in a fury.

LaBEOUF: It’s destroying everything! It’s so detailed I can’t tell its arms from its legs!

FOX: Lookit how fast that shit moves!

LaBEOUF: It just killed 100 people!

FOX: Why does your hand suddenly have a surgical-quality splint/cast-combo on it!

LaBEOUF: Look out, something is about to explode!

That’s it, kids, Sewer says rent only at your peril.

Combat Shock Tromasterpiece Collection DVD

2009-07-22T20:22:00.001-07:00

Video Sewer readers should know about Combat Shock, one of the great cult films of the '80s. But if you don't, read my DVD Talk review of the 25th anniversary 2-Disc DVD edition of Combat Shock from Troma. You'll find out all about the despair, the violence, the drugs, the scenes of grubby Frankie Dumont staggering the streets of Staten Island in a hopeless haze. You'll feel the sadness, you'll feel the bullets, and mostly, you'll feel like watching the 25th anniversary edition of Combat Shock. You'll be horrified that you did.

Diary of the Dead

2009-05-18T20:42:00.000-07:00

Diary of the Dead:

George A. Romero’s latest in what may be a perpetual line of Dead movies isn’t a classic, but it runs circles around the pretentious, ham-fisted Land of the Dead. It’s reason enough to raise a glass of blood.

A group of friends and video-bloggers in present day seem poised at about the same point in the dead chain of events where Dawn of the Dead begins. To wit: the dead are rising and chomping on the living, which in turn causes them to rise and chomp as well, and the News Media is all over it.

Our indie newsies decide to load up an RV and start dropping people at their respective homes, all while chronicling events and uploading them to the Internet. This combination of pragmatism, narcissism and vague denial is about as realistic a reaction to a zombie plague as Romero’s ever put on screen (as if everything’s going to be all right when they get home, where they’ll collect their Pulitzers for recounting their journeys).

Where Land of the Dead traded in blunt allegory and too-fantastic action, (not to mention the whole ‘dead are learning’ thing, which throws most of Romero’s prior theses in the trash) Diary takes just a few stabs at ambiguous messages. New Media and the blogosphere are portrayed as both saints and sinners – the unvarnished truth hidden among a million self-serving lies – while the movie ultimately comes to rest on brutally nihilistic ground.

A shambling plot perfectly fits the scenario of hopeless terror, with but a few complaints. Our WB quality cast of characters is a bit too clichéd and simplistic, frequent excuses for why this supposed cinema verite is so slickly put together aren’t really necessary, and dang it, there’s not enough gore! Plus, most of the carnage is CGI enhanced, a real bummer from the man who made Tom Savini a household name.

But after the ambitious mess that was Land of the Dead, this Diary is a frightening, blessedly simple blast of fresh (rancid) air.

Saw IV

2009-01-20T20:34:00.000-08:00

As we continue to catch up with the Saw
franchise, it’s important to note that only the most intensely prudent writers will be able to avoid peppering their reviews with spoilers. I’m not one of those writers. In a sense, the Saw
movies are nothing but huge spoilers for themselves anyway, so there you go. At any rate, if you don’t want to know that the butler did it, you’ve been warned.

On the other hand, I haven’t got the slightest idea how Saw IV turns out anyway, so maybe it’s all good. The thing opens with a suitably gruesome autopsy scene; scalp peeling, ribcage cracking and brain weighing are the delights on display in two-tone. The grey and red color scheme mitigates the gore, one of many tactics employed to make this low ranker on the ooze scale seem even tamer than it is. There are a few nice set-pieces thrown out and about as we wonder how Jigsaw will continue his torturous games – this time by egging on a cop who must give up on his ‘obsession’ (like Jigsaw has, right?) while learning to feel what Jigsaw feels.

So we commence with a bunch of motorized chains that tear scalps, rip limbs and otherwise drag people with their eyes stitched shut to their untimely deaths. Or are those deaths timely after all? Again, everyone in the Saw universe has something to hide, as do their monkeys. But the most egregious sin is saved for the Jigsaw character himself, as the man is no longer just a misguided avenging angel, but now some sort of lethargic family man and all around saintly nice guy.

Please, give me a break. I’d also like some help in figuring out the ending, which – while sporting the stupidest Jigsaw trap ever – bandies about a little time shift mania amidst the sweat and frantic tears. I think the one responsible for the traps and killing actually traps and kills himself before traveling back and forth in time to warn himself that he’s not done killing, or something like that. But you do get to see some poor dude’s head pulverized by a pair of swinging ice hammers. Yeah, it’s that kind of party, and one that shoots down near the bottom of the Saw list. But you completists know you want it anyway, just please try to find a cheap used copy. Or, go to Amazon.com!

Saw III

2009-01-11T20:22:00.000-08:00

I may be writing for you, who sees nearly every new movie in the theater, or I may be writing for that other you, who can barely get around to renting movies of interest two or three years after they hit DVD. Regardless, Saw III
is there for you, if you haven’t seen it yet, and even though whether you’ve seen it or not you pretty much know exactly what it is, because in one swift motion Saw has established itself as the McDonalds of horror franchises – wherever you are on the earth that Big Mac will always taste the same.

Nonetheless, I’ll try not to be spoilery.

Suffice it to say, mysterious puppet master Jigsaw is up to his neo-old tricks, testing people and pretty much finding them wanting. People are trapped. People are mutilated. In something of a new wrinkle, someone is challenged to free people he hates from the deadly traps, making it a sort of double test.

Full of psychodrama, overlong, and cluttered with flashbacks, Saw III nonetheless charges full-bore into hardcore torture-porn cruelty. Yes, this is the same damn Big Mac, with elaborate rusty traps meant to hideously rend flesh, and about two frickin’ colors in the entire palette: green and grey. Oh yes, there will be blood red, too, but it looks mostly black in all the dim, grimy glory.

Summed up, Saw III stuffs the suitcase with cringe inducing set pieces of extreme cruelty – this (unrated version) is strong stuff indeed. It’s terribly disingenuous, too, since we viewers are both powerless to help the ‘victims’ as they’re twisted and torn apart by hooks and vises, and also sitting in de facto judgment of them, their saviors, their tormentors, and anyone who walks in the door.

But it’s cool because everyone in the Saw universe is guilty of something or other, so all flesh is just grist for the mill of annihilation, and morals are just an excuse to cut someone up real bad. The worst of the bad happens to be a protracted scene featuring a dude pulping his foot with a brick so he can break his own ankle and pull the floppy mess through his shackle. Then he proceeds to try to run around on it for a while. It’s not easy to take, and neither is Saw III, full of gore, digressions and a distinct lack of any form of release not keyed on seeing someone’s head explode.

Amateur Porn Star Killer 2

2009-01-03T21:04:00.000-08:00

Your favorite Sewer Rat has been hard at work contemplating the traditional post-holiday conundrum: suicide or divorce? Since neither of those ‘festivity-let-down’ cappers seems to leave much in the way of positivism for my child (well …) we’ll just split the difference and watch a semi-pornographic movie about misogynistic murder instead. Viva la año Nuevo!

So here it is, one of those movies that makes the Sewer question why we do it! For the record, pretty soon the Sewer hopes to get a job (possibly as a Civil Servant) and concentrate evermore on keeping the yard tidy. Or burning it down. It’s movies like amateur porn star killer 2
that do it to us.

I guess that old question – why do we watch exploitation movies – is raised in this truly amateur slab of scuzz, a DVD that amounts to footage of some idiot picking up on a woman, (takes forever) sexually abusing, then killing her. Nice!

Usually such films try to provide some thematic/ moral reference point. This 2-Disc Special Edition simply provides an additional disc of the footage ‘unedited’ (not exactly) - just as the serial killer would have wanted it!

If endless, bad ad-libbing, cheesy video-processing effects, snippets of ugly hardcore and unrelieved misogyny are your bag, this movie has it all. The fact that anyone with a few hundred bucks and a computer could make the same quality film sinks this cursed boat, thankfully. It’s certainly grim and vaguely hypnotic, but nasty, wrong and not much removed from ‘reality video’ suicides on the web.

I’m sure the filmmaker had some point; the Sewer just wishes he’d remembered to make it. Not only do we discourage you from even thinking of renting this, we feel our souls have been stained.

I don't get it and neither do you

2008-09-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

I've been a good boy since they said Napster was illegal. Really. But Blogspot and a canny friend have hipped me to the new vibe, and though I 'support the artists' something bad has happened. I won't say what, but will simply tell you about a pair of new things I've been listening to.

Paramount is the 30-minute-long track, Like Gold And Faceted by Earth from the album Earth 2. I'd been aware of this album - described as something like grating, volcanic sludge, since it came out in '93, but never actually heard it until this moment.

If listening to ten detuned leafblowers and lawnmowers growling in demonic harmony for a full half-hour sounds like your cup of tea, then run wherever you have to and get this album. FWIW, I bought the next Earth album - I think it was called Pentastar: In The Style Of Demons - in '95 or thereabouts. It sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks compared to this shit, and it in itself is damn good and verrrry heavy. You've been warned.

But if you're scared, there's always The Captain Of Her Heart (Jimmy M Dub Mix) to calm your nerves. The Double song is not what you'd think of when thinking dub, and it doesn't sound it. Except that it's dictionary definition dub, taking the song straight, eliminating most of the vocals, and drenching it in reverb and delay. When those woozy keyboard riffs decay into spectral nothingness, you'll need to cue the track up again. And again.

Happy listening!

Conan The Barbarian

2008-09-12T21:26:00.000-07:00

Any self-respecter would have to follow a viewing of Conquest with the still unmatched John Milius epic Conan The Barbarian.

Just what makes this flawed masterpiece a perrenial treat? Is it the outrageous violence? Is it the sprawling scope? Awesome score? James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom? Or is it just Arnie, in his first leading-man role (Pumping Iron doesn’t count).

Call it all of the above. Though rife with improbabilities, (this is a comic book movie, after all) there’s just too much to love here. Sure Arnie crams about 9 months worth of dating into one night, in order to woo Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) – and who wants to see Arnie get romantic with anyone, right? Yeah, he punches out a camel, creeps into heavily guarded fortresses with ease, and eats lizard-on-a-stick. But he also hacks the heads off of numerous foes – including a giant python – strangles a vulture with his teeth, and is smart enough to realize that crushing your enemies is the best thing in life!

And then there’s Jones, who in oddly androgynous style hypnotizes the entire audience as snake-god Doom. Plus he hacks a bunch of heads off, too, not to mention employs half of Spinal Tap to be his bodyguards.

At a beefy two-plus hours Conan is pretty well-stocked with blood, breasts and beasts, and for a high-minded comic book yarn it more than satisfies. This one is a must-have for any swords-n-sorcery fan.

Lucio Fulci's Conquest

2008-09-07T11:43:00.000-07:00

With a few free evenings, the Sewer wanted to relax, and what better way than with some Italian gore? Well, our local haunt didn't have Nightmare Concert, so we opted for early '80s sword and sandal oddity Conquest

Fulci's dire, plodding style ill fits the lively genre, but those looking for the wild-and-wooly won't be disappointed. Ensconced in a wandering, barely comprehensible plot are evil, acrobatic dog-men, slime-web-covered flukemen, a dude made out of lead blocks and an evil priestess who remains topless for the entire movie.

There are plenty of sword-slashes, arrow-impalements and other typical action-attributes with a fair amount of Ragu splashing about. Fulci also front-loads a cranial-removal and brutal bisection (for those like me who wandered over from the horror aisle) that will serve to shed innocent kiddies from the audience.

A cheezy magic bow-and-arrow, and noble warrior who looks like Ted Danson are mostly hidden by Fulci's desire to film every scene shrouded in mist, fog, smoke, what-have-you. Like watching 90 minutes of only Cybil Sheppard's scenes from Moonlighting. Your eyes will hurt, but your bloody-minded brain will thank you if you like your escapism weird, incomprehensible, violent and vapid.

2008-09-06T20:53:00.000-07:00

Hey Hey Hey! You've read right, this will be the transitional to new home for Video Sewer, that place you've grown to loathe.

Check in for lots of ultra-pithy, super short reviews of the types of films normal people hate, plus links to my reviews at another big website!